Thursday, July 8, 2010

Sir Lance-A-Kitty

There are many forces affecting our daily routines. The weather, business obligations, social & family obligations, and various other little surprises are among the common ones for many of us. At my house, there is another force to be reckoned with. I’m talking about the ungrateful hair ball hacking arrogant ass that lives with Michelle and I. He happens to have us exactly where he wants us.

His real name is Anejo. A few years ago Michelle and I were on the back porch after work one evening sipping on a premium Anejo Tequila made by Herradurra when a weak little meow sound rolled over the fence. Michelle meowed back and within minutes there was a gray and white cat sitting with us on the back deck. It started to rain, so inside the cat came. Like morons, we gave it some milk because he looked hungry. This cat had just expertly secured a new home. We named him Anejo in honor of our fine Tequila and the influence it had on our decision making as this cat descended onto our lives.

Anejo quickly showed us that yes he is warm and affectionate. He also showed us that even though he is a vagrant from the street he has certain standards and food palates for his new providers to provide. Greg dubbed him Slum Cat Millionaire one evening. The cat had nothing. Anejo hit the cat lottery, but doesn’t really seem to be very concerned with being thankful for his good fortune. He is only concerned with making sure the Fancy Feast Elegant Medley's are flowing in a timely manner.

Michelle calls me Bubby. She calls my son Austin Little Bubby. Anejo became Bubby Kitty. There are many days where the name seems to work. He does respond to his name around feeding time, or when it is raining outside and he would like a warm dry towel and bed to sleep in. He seems to forget his name when I would like for him to get off the roof on the brand new Maxima in the garage.

It was this display of prissy arrogance that led me to call him Sir Lance-a-kitty. He is to be treated as royalty or the fabric on the high back chair will be clawed into a fuzzy pile of shreds. Chairs, shoes, or clothes are high priority targets when a Sir Lance-a-kitty entitlement is delayed in its delivery.

In the morning I intentionally make coffee before feeding his heinous just to piss him off. He starts in on me by biting my ankles. This shifts to purring and rubbing as he senses I am almost done with the coffee and ready to prepare his meal. Bubby Kitty eats, and waits outside by the chair for his Throne to arrive with a cup of fresh brew. He likes for me to sit at a certain angle so that he can lay on my lap, I pet his head, drink my coffee while he stares at the birds on the fence fooling himself into believing he could actually catch one. He'd really rather send one of his servants to do that dirty work for him.

Anejo gets fed twice a day at the same time. He is annoyed when the timing is off, and this pleases me. At first his reminders are playful and cute. The reminders become increasingly condescending should any delay become longer than a few minutes. This cat has his routine to keep. Therefore, my daily routine revolves around his. Exactly where he wants me.

The Little Prick.

Cheers! Scott

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